*drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). But I think it tracks beyond that particular experience. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. "Continue breathing." BTW, the most usual response to that last exchange is, "Works for me!" Depending upon the sophistication of the inquisitor, the final line may be "Continued respiration." Sponsored by Interview Success Formula Job interview secrets revealed. I think it depends a lot on context. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. 04 Mar 2023 17:27:26 I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. This is how I deal with it: If they want to tell you about their job, they can. Like oh youd rather do nothing at all than do this activity with me, wow., I wish I had better boundaries around that. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! Re #1, true that. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. On the other hand, that was a while ago. I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. )/co-workers, who usually uses the So what are you doing this weekend? as an opener to telling me all the awesome stuff theyve planned for themself for the weekend. I still have the same question of why do this? She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. Person A: Hi, how are you? People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. Am I supposed to answer? I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. On a walk with my dinosaur. That, or non-questions. Can you repeat what you just said? This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. What are you doing this weekend? See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. Answer vaguely. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. Mentioning your actual plans is one. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. You have to answer the . Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. No, just running some errands. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. I cant quite tell from your letter if thats the real issue, and I dont think there is any answer to the weekend question that will prevent you from sometimes having to say no to things when the other person wants you to say yes. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. You wonder where he'll take you. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. I can vouch for this strategy! I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. I read that post all the time. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Interesting. This business of hanging on to parental authority as a form of rent, however, has already damaged your relationship, from what youre saying. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. You'll hear it regularly in speech, and people actually might think it sounds funny/wrong to say "Well.". If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. This is how I deal with it: What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). Me: Nope. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. etc. Oh, surviving, surviving. Tell her that you're there for her to make her laugh, if she needs some company. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! I agree!! If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. "It's going well.". I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. Him: Good. 3. Could be specific to where I am, though. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. There is a normal-question-asking prosody, where the words get successively higher in pitch. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). Me: Nope. With strangers (e.g., cashiers) and other people you dont know personally well (casual acquaintances, colleagues with whom you are not also friends, etc. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. Oh yes, this! E- Excitement. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. ooh. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. What about you? My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. Any fun plans? Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. Them (if it was small talk) *moves on to a different topic* Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. 2. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. My Kid: No (shuts door again) Im right there with you. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. - Anthony Burgess - Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. Work it like a weekend warrior! Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. Its just small talk! Or something. He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy I dont know. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. 1. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? If you have a new question, start a new topic. Im in my 20s and married, living away from home, but I feel like Im constantly playing tug-a-war with my parents and were fighting over boundaries. Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?.
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