moving in with mom after dad died moving in with mom after dad died

I accept him having a companion, but not one that draws a wedge between him and I. I dont think Ill ever be able to except her. I told him it was hard to be around so me and my daughter are going to be out and gone all day. My mom died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism 2 1/2 years ago. It is almost like two deaths in one. To those who are the new girlfriend or boyfriend- if you really care, give space and not pressure. Do you get what I am trying to say? So his death was extremely sudden and we were just left in shock. I think our options are to either let our relationship continue to grow weaker and more stressful or to try to get him to agree to speak to a counselor/therapist that we could all speak with. It seems to me the concept of family and what means to really show up and fully support what your family needs is a hard thing for some people. Are you willing to share yours? She is my age and we both really enjoyed talking and spending time together that week. They analyze all of their failed relationships, reminisce, and learn about each other more deeply. First, its important not to view this new person as a replacement for your mother, because she is not now, nor will she ever be. Remember, your father has made a choice. 2. I asked my dad if they were just friends and he said yes and then he pinky promised on it. Your story could be my life story. You bet. I am so hurt by all of this. Ive come to the conclusion that family, honor and duty seem to be archaic concepts in our society today. I dont want to be old and alone. She is a horrible stupid butt who my dad even called psycho the other day yet continues to torment me with putting her shit all around my mothers moms house who of course both are dead. And i was 12 years. If we complain and say it would really help our lives if she could commit to coming and not change her plans all the time he says This is how we work things.. What did he do around the house? Just understand she lost her life partner, and that's a low blow. They only spend week-ends together and during the week they are at their respective homes but she is now entitled to his pension. Maybe there is a positive side that we havent encountered yet Im still waiting. I got to hear so many stories I had never heard of, and I felt incredibly connected to my fatherand, unexpectedly, at peace with my grief. People grieve in different ways, but we all experience the pain, the hurt, the images that will haunt us probably for the rest of our lives,(it will get a little better) the isolation, the depression, loss of direction, the anger, and the acceptance of what happened and the hope that things will be better in the future. When my dad passed away he made it clear he wanted my aunt (who had been his caregiver) to have his house. We had no problems with this arrangement I told her how much that upset us. I have sometimes confided in someone only to find I felt worse after the chat We all brought pizzas over and his girlfriend brought cookies & fudge, etc. This situation has eaten up so much of my life and energy that I would have loved to have avoided it. Even before he met me they didnt want him to socialize with anyone else. A little back story: My mother passed away from ALS about two months ago, and my father passed away when I was eight years old. I dont think his girlfriend should be living there after dating 3 months and then remove my mothers things so she feels more comfortable there. But it seems that for right now, what makes him feel better is pushing our family apart. You do not exist to subsidize your mother's life. He has a house here in FL and one in KY,so he felt the need to go to KY to get away for a while. Dont tag grieving relatives in photos of the dead online. I could overcome that. Woke up today and also found out that they are sleeping and the condominium which my late mother bought for her and my mom. I believe that women look to the male figures in their lives as being strong and courageous. She has to work now. J(dad) made some poor choices after choosing this woman as his new wife, including choosing her family over mine for attending certain momentous occasions. Even if you choose to not listen to any of this, I am sorry to hear about your pain and your loss. But how can you be the judge? A few times between lockdowns, I would visit with her and just sit on the couch beside her watching along with her. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. My dad broke up with this woman. Some of the step videos I see online would seem to warrant a degree in dance in order to stay on it- much less teach it. First of all, I told him he wasn't allowed to spend much time alone for the first two weeks or so. He met a nice lady this spring. For example, my dad and my sister used to go sailing together all the time they were very close; yet, now he refuses to do ANYTHING with any of us, ever, unless his wife is also present. My dad projects a lot of hatred towards my mom for leaving us kids a portion of the estate. It was a very difficult 10-12 years. I truly want her to be happy and have tried step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective but I am having great difficulty. So its important not to get caught up in a trap of constantly comparing the two or making them a nemesis of one another when one is living and one is not. It doesn't matter who your people are, just make sure you have them and you let them in. From what Ive been told, she has been after my father for quite some time. It is important to not let these times destroy you or define you, but rather, to help you to grow. Awesome. Shortly after the funeral, the song came on the radio on my way to work, and I absolutely lost it. Lovely experience. Then I found out that meant his girlfriend took over his bills and other household tasks as well. This is exactly how I am feeling right now. I just listened and said nothing and asked if he was done and then I asked him about his day. This took its toll and the widower ended the relationship. I had a physical reaction, my pulse quickened, I was sweating, my heart broken it was intense. One time he called me bawling when he got off of work because he picked up the phone and thought "I should call my wife to let her know I'm coming home." He goes to dancing every Tues night. It sucked having to hear every once in while about the court problem. My mom is having a really hard time. For (mostly) financial reasons, my brother and I are still living with my father while we attend college. I lost my father true enough and I was not ready for my moms friend trying to be my dad. Because if he were to be gone tomarrow I would regret not trying. I do know that I will need to find some way to deal with it, but I'm just worried that thinking about being sad will just make me sad. I would say the best thing you could do is tell him very firmly that unless he changes his thought process and his ways with you and your siblings that you will have nothing else to do with him and if that is the way he wants it, then just end it there. I miss her so much and this new lady doesnt have children, so I know she cant relate to how I am feeling. Has anyone been able to move on from the pain of their parents getting involved with someone else so soon? (Thinking "I should go visit mom after work," and then realizing I couldn't.). She unplugged her phone because my calling once a day while my father was sick was stressing her out. I want to meet his daughters, I dont want to replace his late wife. I missed my Mum so much in the beginning, and hated being the only girl in a family of boys who talk about computers and machinery and leave me out completely. Things were going back to normal, & we had both gotten jobs since being laid off. Dad was heartbroken lonely after 43 years together with Mom. We were not rich but we did not want for much. I lost my father. I lost my wife after a sudden, five-month illness. We met when I was 17 and we had been together for 42 years. I loved her completely. Grief is a t I truly hope that all of you can find peace with your fathers dating again, and I am so very thankful to have found this site. HEAD OVER HEELS in love, even now. Our loved ones leave us and we are broken and have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to have family dinners with that empty place at the table. After suffering a lost you should know that life is too short and it can change in any given moment. During the COVID lockdowns, my sister and I did our best to care for her in ways that she would allow. She doesnt like to be taken care of, but loves to take care of her family. I know this article is old, but it could not be more relevant to my life right now. You have no idea how much it will help. My father started dating a woman this summer. He is imposing her on us and is threatening ushe says we have everything to lose (he is the one with two daughters and three grand-children!). My Mom was a Catholic and I knew upon her death that she would want the last rights and everyone to be there before she was taken off support. It has completely altered my Dads relationship with is children. And the whole time he was here, he was watching the clock and couldnt wait to leave to get back to her. Now his girlfriend tells him all he wants to hear all while on top of all this being a covert b word only to me, leaving only my dishes (like one) that was mine while doing others, or locking the gate I come in so I have a problem or saying how she hated her own mom, never has she attempted to make me feel better or talk about my mom, I hate her more than anyone Ive ever hated before. Trying to "solve" her problems for her didn't work. She has made Dad chose between his family and hers. I have talked to a few of my Dads friends and they are worried. When she called the house and I answered the phone, she asked whos this as if it were any of her business. He was the best father and husband I could ask for. It's a standalone mini song. Just four months ago I watched as my 28 year old sister cried because my Dad wanted to spend time with his girlfriend instead of her. He waschillingat hers today so couldnt even call in to see his grandaughter to congratulate her on exam results,says hel call her tomorrow. I feel she has crossed the line with buying a shirt for my father that says Bank of Grandpa 0% percent interest which I feel something like that should have come from either my children or my brothers. 3 weeks later he started dating a woman 15 years younger than he from church. This happened twice before he moved back home for good. She certainly does that. However, he has been pretending for the past few months that this older lady (probably about 10 years older than him) has just been buying gifts for my niece and making him food all the time because she feels sorry for our family. Just more pain, more hurt, more sadnessI only hope I would never cause anyone the pain that this has caused me and my family. He referred to her as my stepmother the other day, and her kids as my step siblings. The fact that my dad feels that I should be grateful to this woman for everything shes done for me. He also warned that she might block access. My Mom was known for wearing rings, and instead of asking my sister an I and his grand daughters and great granddaughters about them. She was sick for just a short time. My sister and her family went to surprise them. They had no children; it was for her relations. We all are afraid to be alone, we are human beings, social by nature. My husband understands that his father needs this companionship and is not angry with him for wanting to be with this woman. We never built a very close relationship while my mother was alive, but now that she's gone we find ourselves calling each other constantly. Shortly after she moved in with them, our father who was suffering from Alzheimers Disease/dementia was transferred to a nursing home close to our parents home. Then in August, he went to Cabo with her sisters and family. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. Clearly the loss of a spouse is a very traumatic and difficult experience and moms sadness is natural. When my father finally broke up with this woman, we begun to work on talking again slowly.He then began dating another woman, who I am not completely comfortable with but have learned after experiencing the loss of my spouse in 2008, that what my father said about loving my mother no matter what and that even though he choose to date again he would love my mother no matter what and would do anything to be with her again. Hi, He says something but doesnt always reassure through his actions. My husband is an only child and we have no children ourselves. This came out of the blue, as I had just seen him several months prior and there was NO mention of him ever wanting to get back into the dating pool. 2. We both were happily married for more than 25 years and the unexpected happened to us. While they were gone I went to the house and the girlfriend had packed up a ton of my Moms things. Try not to burn any bridges unless you have to while you are in such distress and emotion. she spent nights with him and then he would go to church and act goody goody and finally he married the woman after a year. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. to deal with this woman was challenging as admitting that this woman existed I had to admit a few other things: I am torn between supporting his decision, and speaking honestly: its too soon. She used to visit her sister, and when my dad was out, they would talk. Who do they call when something tears up? Even if she said she was she would probably change her mind. Does that seem like the kind of relationship that would make anyone feel good about stepping in the picture? My father has now moved in with his girlfriend and lives in her house. I cannot imagine ever being in a situation where self-interest would lead me to watch my children who are now 22 and 18 go through the equivalent of an additional bereavement while I bask in the warm glow of new romance. To say I was shocked beyond words is an understatement. Her legs were in really bad shape and her hands were shaking and she wasnt responding well. Remind her she's still got family, that she's not alone. She would rather donate or sell items (and she doesnt need the money) that were my fathers instead of ask either me or my sister or either of our sons if they would like to have something of my fathers. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. 5 Jun. Since I cant get him on the phone in the evenings, I have to call him at work. I believe that you could give the other person a chance to get to know them, isolation doesnt help in any way. Well guys, I made it through Christmas and now into the New Year and hope you were able to cope with your Dads during the holidays. They have withdrawn from their father and treat him like if he wasnt related to them, do not answer his calls, messages or emails. When my Mom was alive, she enjoyed cooking and having her family over to eat. I will say, that I do believe that everyones time of grief is differentwhether its short or long. The past year, I noticed an even bigger change in my parents relationship. I feel like my papa is such a difficult and selfish person who doesnt consider the feelings of his children. X. Isnt it obvious that the reason my sister has the worst relationship of all with my dads wife is because she lost her relationship with my dad because of his relationship with his wife?? I dont think I will ever understand any man. Right after my dads funeral, my group of friends from high school were sitting around me in the sun, making sure that I was being sufficiently hugged. Then eventually we would relent. But I also discovered how essential and how caring it is to just make contact with a loved one. Her house sold and then all of a sudden she is living in my parents house. Thanks for allowing me to do so. When I asked him about it, he says, Hes sure that Ellen will most likely give it back to me and my brother when she dies. Im highly doubtful about that. The first thought in our minds was that they were seeing each other. For the most part, my brother, sister and I have learned that theres no getting through to him. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone. Never asked about our welfare, but tell the world that His the best Dad. Please do not throw daggers, but I was the girlfriend of a widower whose wife died 3 years ago of cancer. Try to establish a friendship with her for her own qualities and so you can feel comfortable talking to her about the loss of your mother and your grief. By Christmas time, he started calling around to my aunts, uncles and cousins (from my mothers family) to announce that he would be getting married in January. Through time she will heal, just help guide her there. (My sisters name is Julie, too.) I decided I was going to finish school for her and myself (which I did!). We dont get together on Easter. Every mans dream, right? That is the way my dad is acting and I hate it! For him, its not good enough that we have a nice relationship with her he wants us to be one big, happy, loving family. I know that not all the persons that come into your families are there for a good reason. I want to be there for her and help her feel better, but I don't think pitying herself is what's best for her, and it seems like she is just stuck in this miserable pit that she doesn't seem to have a way to get out of. My daughter said to me yesterday when I was offering to explain something about my father Id rather not know because the situation either makes you angry or sad. This has helped him considerably, realizing that there are more people that depend on him than he thought, and how important he is to people. Im grown, so his actions should be of no concern to me! Psychologically, knowing that the visit is almost resented because I am not her is hard going. However, this has been very tough on my kids. He has chosen her over me and Im in straight hell constantly being reminded of my moms death as she is living much better in my house with her nose in the sky and always wnjoying when me and dad fight cuz of her. Years ago my beloved grandfather, John, had a stroke. He was in the ICU for a month and came out of the hospital with physical disabilities and dev That was almost 3 years ago. So why am I finding it so difficult? Perhaps just go out with death and this will never an unhappy outcome. I defy anyone to say that this does not demonstrate an obscene lack of decorum and sensitivity. WHAT?? He may back us financially (and again, I dont want to disregard his generosity here), but our relationship is suffering. When I moved out for college, my parents relationship began to change. documentaries Jan. 30, 2023. I felt such resentment towards my father-in-law because I had tried to accept openly welcome Irene as a part of our new family picture to preserve the family and to have this kind of thing done so childishly behind my husbands back was just too much for us. Then in July, he went camping with her and her family. Im pretty sure she felt offended, but she was trying to smother me with affection that was not reciprocated and I felt might not be genuine but just something to make her look good in front of my Dad. We only dated for 3 short, wonderful months. And part of the reason that you all may want to find another source of support to help buttress your family until you feel more steady on your feet. We spend a lot of time talking about mom, as well. dont attend any family functions until the rest of the family has had time to grieve and cope with their loss. I will love him forever and no one will take his place. He travels for his job and since I am going to school full time now, I have been house sitting for him while he is gone. Dad was burned badly on the face and arms, but survived. There are still times I am so angry at him for choosing his girlfriend, over his family. We enjoyed many of the same things, and were eager to try some new ones. Anyway we finally got one and my Dad ordered the doctor and nurse to do it now, and not wait for my Brother. He knows that I do not approve, but he has told me on more than one occassion that he doesnt care what I think. Sometimes, grief hits you in weird moments, but thats when you might need to let yourself live in that sadness the most. It really helps me try and understand my situation. Did my father support my sister? He is depressed because he has been abandoned by her and takes it out on me. . if I only paid for myself and my husband its be a lot less. We can afford it, so I'm not complaining. I understand he has to get on with his life but he picked the first thing that came along and I think he feels like he has to settle because of his facial/body disfigurments. It was a snowy Thanksgiving morning. I certainly dont want to run his life. Time passed, and my sister and I asked when the party would be so we could plan accordingly. People stay together for thirty years when they're providing each other with what the other needs - there were a great many things she came to NEED from your dad. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together, and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished. I fly down as often as I can but this last time he told me not to come down bc (girlfriend) will be there. This lola lady died last summer. On the ride home, my dad asked, What do you think of my friend? But my brother was living with his girlfriend for four years and my father still called my brothers girlfriend a friend so the semantics dont tell me anything. Just over 2 years ago my father had a stroke affecting mobility but not speech. I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I think he just gets upset and really doesnt understand. If he wants these things packed up, family should do it, not girlfriends. You are married and have a child. Im 14 and my mom passed away this year from breast cancer, and it was really hard on me because i was so close to my mom, not very close to my dad or brother. You cant change things and you dont have to accept this with open arms. He sees my distress and is powerless to act. Although both countries are going through economic difficulties if you are able to work and are not reliant on welfare there is in general a higher standard of living in the U.S. Finally i heard my dad, he told her to shut it, because he heard enough and shes a horrible person. The worse she behaves and is allowed to behave by my father the more sorry he feels for her that she is disliked by so many from the shop assistants she abuses to both his and her families. What Ive gotten from these conversations, is that everyone in these situations is hurting in some way, and its always uncomfortable and awkward when a new woman comes in to the mixespecially to the kids (grown adults or otherwise). I felt completely violated. I moved out at 16 to attend school near my sisters who married at 23 and had a family. He watched as she ruled the roost, assaulted, unplugged the phone and did all she could to be top dog and see his family pushed away. Dad started dating Stepmother #1 who happened to be my mothers best friend immediately (if not before my mom died). Dont expect me to be part of your relationship. Youre not doing anything wrong your timing is just off. She just needs a shoulder to cry on and be. But he just gave this woman a $2000 diamond ring and took her to see his sister (who just lost her husband about 6 weeks ago to a heart attack.). When he could leave hospital he elected to go and live with her rather than us. What do you guys think? Whatever it may be, it is important to remember that there is a purpose for each person who enters and exits your life. For us, when my dad died, my mother was grief-stricken for almost 10 years afterwards. However, and this is the crux of the matter- it is my father from whom I am owed a duty of care and not from her. I am copying it here because I wanted to share my story and also share the response that I thought was really helpful to me. But we dont live in a perfect world. It is so very hurtful. Of course, I dont know the whole story (maybe he approves? Now that I find myself in a situation where my husband passed away suddenly in his sleep leaving me to take care of our 2 yr. old son. Her and I had a petty argument on something so stupid. It wouldnt put it past them. Kobe bryant's death of death of her palliative care nurse for a whiskey-drinking. And they honestly dont have to answer to anyone but the man upstairs. Dads new GF is an unemployed alcoholic. Otherwise, you need to step back. He leaves work and goes straight to her house and is there until bedtime. January came and I continued to visit my mother. Seeing my father sneaking across the landing at night was excruciating. They seem to have no interest in having any relationship with my husband and me, not even a superficial one. Now my sisters wedding is around the corner. The issue is that I cant spend time with him without his girlfriend and the baby hovering around too. If she cannot accept the girlfriendjust as I cant accept my dads girlfriendsometimes we must make choices others dont agree with. When I confronted him about it, he asked if I was on my period. I talked to him last night and he lets me know that he is already seeing someone. As much as I understand all this, I still find it so incredibly difficult to accept him dating. I knew why he was going, but he was not being honest about it. 6 months after her death, my father announced that he had been dating a new woman and asked if my wife and I wanted to meet her. I would be happy to chat privately Ive just set up an email address for solely this purpose at ellasisland-at-yahoo-co-uk (Ive replaced the @ and the .s so the address isnt picked up by automated software, youll need to change them back to email me). When I asked if they were planning to marry I was told it was none of my business. Personally, I want to punch this person in the face, and as for my dad, I feel like I dont even know him. She sighs constantly and it seems like basic things are just really difficult for her to do. My brother did not attend them either. All should be over by thenleave him alone or he will get sickKIDS! She lives in Florida so he traveled there a couple times to visit her- and he talks about her and her family and is very happy- which is great- but has done stuff with her family and grandkids, that he would never do back home with us. Sometime in your life, your own children may be going thru the same experiences that you are going right now. They transferred her to a rehabilitation center to have her go through physical therapy so she could work better with her legs. Its lime he has not only moved on, but he no longer wants anything to do with anything that had to do with his marriage to my mom, including us kids. I feel like it will NEVER get better. That was okay until she abruptly told him they shouldnt see each other any more. So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. Rusty, I think that most of us want our fathers to be happy and we dont mind so much that they are seeing a new person. Just won the divorce seem to be near to an end, my mother passed away unexpectedly from an aneurysm. She was my age and plastic-surgeried from head to toe. It was two years before my mom really started to be like normal again and another year after that before she really started to seem like she was in charge of her own destiny again. While my situation is not quite the same as yours, I did feel that the woman my Dad married was pushed on him by his neighbor. She is completely self absorbed and obsessed with wrinkles. This daughter has put so much stress on her daddisapproving of our relationship-its sick! We both were happily married for more than 25 years and the unexpected happened to us. For that he must bear responsibility. If I try to clean (I want to contribute to the house somehow), it gets misconstrued as me trying to take over and not allowing her to make it her home. My sister, brother, and I only were told one month before she passed that my Mom was going to die. Los angeles resident abbe andersen took care of immediate kin spouse, we planned a dear carolyn: my dad dated several. Im upset he does not outwardly express that he misses my mom or feels sad that she died, for example, he forgot that the one year anniversary of her death was on that day and her birthday plus he doesnt say anything about how he misses her. Shame on you to the end of time. Too say that I have issues with it would be an understatement. If I was there I would give you a hug.Listening as you work things out is the best thing a friend could do. Youre so young to be going through so much pain dont give up on working through this though. My mother died of cancer when I was 16 and my sister and brother were 18 and 14. My husband also feared that now that his mother was gone, his stepdad would cast him aside. Work was his salvation, and really, the only place he had his own friends or stories to connect himself to. Not trying to be a prick here - but if you could do and IAMA after this ordeal is over I would appreciate it for one as it will show me how people get on with their lives after a loss of soulmate. Your letter reminded me of something On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said Youre not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back? How kind to give my confidence such a boost! What do you do when the new girlfriend, is very pushy? And paperwork etc. She also made some new friends that she became quite close to and this helped fill the gap a little. She said that she values our opinions but beyond that nothing much was done.